Bottoms Up !

Bottoms up! Cheers! Here's to ya! Gotcha! Today's post isn't about drinking at all. Since my last post was about snoring and how it can negatively affect your health, I decided to follow up with another health related piece. Snoring, of course occurs at the top end of the Alimentary Canal. Today's gem of rambling ribaldry will involve the other end of the spectrum; the bottom of the Alimentary Canal.

Since the name of this blog is Senior Speak, I'm assuming that most of you readers are in the Over Fifty crowd. That being the case, I'm also assuming that most of you have followed your Doctor's advice, and paid a visit to your friendly Gastroenterologist for that dreaded Colonoscopy. If you haven't, get your courage up, swallow your pride (though it will be purged) and make that appointment. It could save your life, and it isn't nearly as bad as you might think. I mean the Colonoscopy itself isn't as bad as you might think. The night before, however, is quite a different matter.

The night before is one of those experiences that falls into that cliche'd, "...class of it's own". Describing it is simply not to be done amongst polite society. Suffice it to say that after drinking astounding amounts of vile potions, your colon performs a series (that's more than one, Marie. You ain't gonna just sit down once.) of constrictions that would make an Anaconda blush, resulting in a cleansing of almost Biblical proportions. You will sleep well. The rest is a piece of cake. Side Note: My Gastroenterologist's nurse neglected to tell me to stop taking my blood thinners for 5 days before my first Colonoscopy, so I got to do all of this twice within 2 weeks. What a treat!

The Colonoscopy itself is a breeze, thanks to modern pharmacology. They administer a "Happy Cocktail" which creates the most incredible high for a few brief moments. They tell me that you never actually "go under", but you'll have no knowledge of any of the proceedings, thank God. The only post-probing negative, is the purging of an incredible amount of air that, I swear, they pump in there, just for laughs.

My first experience of the probing of my nether regions was not the Colonoscopy, but it's baby brother, the Flexible Sigmoidoscopy, a carryover fom the Spanish Inquisition. This procedure has, deservedly, fallen from favor, it's thunder having been stolen by the Colonoscopy.

My Internist is a wonderful Italian. Every time I go for my yearly physical, he enters the examination room singing a few bars of an Italian aria in a gorgeous Baritone. When the exam is over, he slips off the rubber glove, washes his hands and exits with a "God bless you". What's not to love ?

After one of these visits some years ago, he said, "Let's see. You're 50 years old. I want you to schedule a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy with my Nurse when you leave." He explained that it was a procedure that was something like a Colonoscopy, but with a much shorter scope. Being something of a smart ass, I asked, "Flexible ? Is there such a thing as an Inflexible Sigmioidoscopy ?" He, being an even smarter ass, replied without so much as a blink of an eye, "Yes, but we don't do those anymore." I, of course, asked, "Why not ?" "Because the scope was inflexible, and we had to beat them in with a rubber mallet. The screaming disturbed the other patients. God bless you."

I am a very private person when it pertains to my bodily functions, so the prospect of having to set an appointment for that type of procedure with his female Nurse, was quite disturbing. I decided to lighten the situation with humor. When I booked the appointment, I told the Nurse, quite animatedly, " I've never had one of these before, and I'm so excited that I'm going wear my Argyle socks, and buy a brand new hat." She laughed, bless her heart.

On the appointed day, I wore my Argyles, but the hat thing was just in jest. I entered the exam room, stripped down to my socks and put on the godawful backless gown. My Doctor entered, singing, exchanged a few pleasantries and then told me to roll onto my side. So, there I am, mooning him when he says,"Oh, by the way, we're going to be joined by my Nurse and a Student Nurse. I was sure you wouldn't mind." In they walked, and actually greeted my backside with, "Good morning." I, of course, responded in like. The Doctor began his task, and when the scope was just shy of my shoulder blades, he paused and said, "Hey, nice socks ! Where's your hat ?"

I wouldn't leave him for anything. He's a great Doctor, and he always insists that I book next year's appointment before I leave. I find that a reassuring vote of confidence. At least he thinks that I've got 365 more days.

Colon cancer is no laughing matter, and a Colonoscopy is only a minor inconvenience. Book one.

Have a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !


Later,

Don Lehr (Michguy)