Practice Makes Perfect

A first-time visitor to New York City asked a Cop on the corner, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" The Cop replied, "Practice man, practice." That is, indeed, the way to become proficient at just about anything.

My old buddy, Chas, and I were teammates on our Junior High basketball team. Chas always laughed at my so-called jump shot. He said that I looked like a frog. Unfortunately, I did. I looked like a frog because that's the way I practiced my shot. Though it's hard to believe now, I was very skinny back then, and could barely get the ball to the basket from the free throw line. I had to hold the ball with both hands, way back behind my head, jump with legs akimbo and hurl the danged thing. I got very good at looking like a frog. Unfortunately, since I rarely made a basket, I got very good at missing. If it ever went in the basket, it was because I didn't do it the way I had practiced it.

I have played golf for many years. I have sliced and pushed the ball to the right for as many years as I've played, and I'm much better at slicing and pushing it today than I was twenty years ago. Why, you may ask? I'm firmly convinced that if you practice doing something right, you get better at doing it right, but if you practice doing something wrong, you get just as proficient. I am danged near Pro proficient at doing just about everything wrong that is possible on a golf course. I love the game.

Getting old just comes naturally, but "Being Old" (that's getting old and danged good at it), you guessed it, takes practice. Anybody can just get old and go to "The Home", but "Being Old" and entering "The Home", now that's sweet !

I practice "Being Old" a little bit every day, and if you want to get good at it, so should you. You youngsters, take note. It's never too early to start.

Shuffling:

Shuffling is a major part of old, and all old-timers shuffle. But, shuffling well doesn't just happen on it's own. I like to approach it much like a golfer; develop a routine that promotes "muscle-memory", and once you have the fundamentals down, it's always easy to return to the basics in the event that you have an "off day".

-The Stance: The stance is all important. Your feet should be at shoulder width, toes pointed straight ahead. Bend your knees and keep them bent at all times. Keep your back as straight as possible with your shoulders thrown back and head jutting forward. Your arms should be held tightly at your side with your elbows bent and your forearms parallel to the ground.

-The Action: Maintaining the stance at all times, slide your feet forward, never more than 6-8 inches at a time. Your feet are never to leave the ground, never. I probably don't need to mention this, but a word of caution may be necessary for beginners: do not attempt to move both feet at the same time. Alternate. If you're having difficulty achieving the proper action, try practicing with a pair of old slippers, either the open heeled kind, or a pair with heels that you've stomped down so well that there's no way you can keep them on your feet unless you slide them across the floor. Try to dodder.

-The Appearance: Your appearance is of the utmost importance. You want to look the part as well as live it. If you have dentures or partials etc., try leaving them out occasionally. Keep your jaws tightly together with your lips pressed tightly together as well. Drooling is optional (more on this later).

-Suggestions: I like to do this once or twice daily, just across a room or two. Try to include both carpeted surfaces and hard surfaces. You can never be sure what you'll encounter at "The Home". Once in a while, throw in a little stumble; not a full blown pratfall with face plant, but just a hint of a stumble. Another word of caution: Do NOT practice the stumble move so often that you develop "muscle-memory". Remember, if you practice it to the point of getting good at it, you'll become so proficient at stumbling that you'll be falling all over the place. They get really upset when you do this at "The Home", and they'll probably call your kids and rat you out.

Dentures:

Although modern dental hygiene has eliminated a lot of denture use, they're still a part of the fun of getting old for many folks, and thus, they're definitely part of "Being Old". Forgetting to put your dentures or partials in and/or losing them are the two major activities to focus on in your practice routines. I know, it seems a little ticky-tacky, but you'd be surprised how many oldsters never forget them or lose them. I wouldn't spend a lot of time on this, but it should be part of your practice schedule. Breaking your dentures is something you may wish to consider, but I never recommend practicing it, they're way too expensive. It's your call. One other minor thing, and then we'll leave this part of the discussion. You may want to place your dentures in a soaker glass and leave them in a conspicuous spot now and then. Also, try and do all of the above from time to time when dinner guests are present; not often, but just so you get the feel for it.

Drooling:

Drooling is definitely optional. I'm not much into it, but apparently, there are a lot of folks who are, so I feel moved to include just a passing reference here. I guess my take on it is, if you're going to drool, don't dribble, drool ! As far as technique is concerned, I'll just have to leave that up to you. Sorry.

Nodding Off:

All oldsters nod off, so this is a must do. I find nodding off to be one of the most boring parts of my routine, but it's so necessary. So, whenever you're reading the paper or a book, or watching TV, just let your eyes close slowly, and lower your head for a few moments, every chance you get. Try to incorporate a "head-bob" with every other nod off. I'm not suggesting a whiplash move here, just a "head-bob". If you experience difficulty with the nod off try tuning in to a Bowling match or an Infomercial on TV. For some, watching Golf may help, unless Tiger's playing. Some folks may have a measure of success by having a cocktail before this part of your routine, but a degree of caution should be taken if you choose to imbibe a Martini. One should do the trick, but two may induce a "head-bob" that may result in your needing a neck-brace.

Forgetfulness:

This is my "piece of cake". I haven't really had to practice this much at all. My best suggestion is to encourage your spouse or partner (for the Politically Correct crowd) to make a "Job Jar" filled with slips of paper with various chores written on them. They'll love to be included in helping you in your journey toward "Being Old", as long as they understand that the "Job Jar" is only make-believe. I must caution you, though, this can backfire on you if your spouse/partner is also practicing forgetfulness. Then, whenever you need to work forgetfulness into your routine, take out a job slip, throw it away and go do something you'd rather do. Another great way to exercise forgetting, is to never put your car keys in your pocket, so that every time you and your loved one are going for a drive, you'll have to get back out of the car and go back inside to retrieve your keys. Finally, and I recommend this only if you're having a lot of difficulty with forgetting, whenever you are right at the point of backing out of your garage with your spouse/partner, put the car back in "Park" and say, "I think I'd better use the bathroom before we go." Go back inside, use the bathroom if need be, then go sit down and turn on the TV. Believe me, you'll be surprised at how few times you'll have to do the bathroom thing before you'll either be a very proficient forgetter, or you will never forget another thing in your lifetime.

Losing things:

This one can be fun. As you all know, losing things in your own home is nearly impossible to do. You really have to try to be able to intentionally lose things. It's a lot like hiding your own Easter Eggs, and I don't know how I can help you get better at it. I've practiced it so much that I think I finally have it down. I hid my eyeglasses the other night, and when I awoke the next morning, I couldn't find them. A word of caution here; hiding or losing your eyeglasses is not a good thing to do. They're very hard to find without having your eyeglasses on. But, my Darling Darlene came to my rescue, and found them in the half bath. I've gotten so good at it, that I don't even remember hiding them there. I know one thing though, I sure don't want to lose My Darling Darlene. I thank God every day for her, and I can't imagine getting old or "Being Old" without her.

Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !

Later,

Don Lehr (Michguy)