No, I am not dead nor have I been dead for the past three years. Some of you may find this hard to believe, but the truth of the matter is that the silence on "Senior Speak" can only be attributed to the fact that I really couldn't think of much to say. My Darlin' Dar says, "Baloney! That never stopped you from talking dawn to dark before." So, with those words serving as a boot in the butt, Senior Speaks Again! (Redundancy has rarely bothered me in the past, but "...Senior Speak Speaks Again!" seemed a little much even for me.) You may be assuming that I have suddenly discovered a new muse, and have a new lease on worthwhile things to write about. Not so much. I've just gotten tired of being quiet; worthwhile has never been a factor.
I've learned a lot these last three years; most of it since I retired a little over a year ago.
F'rinstance, I've learned that it is actually possible to check the tag on a teeshirt three times and still put it on backwards. The same holds true for undershorts, but checking three times requires a lack of awareness of the location of the fly that approaches moronic proportions, and is, in actuality, clearly stupid.
I've learned that turn signals are the most useless and subsequently the most dangerous thing on a vehicle. About the only people that usually use them correctly are truckers. Trusting a blinking or non-blinking turn signal to be a dependable representation of the driver's real intentions, to the point of actually acting upon this trust, demands an act of faith that could move Mount Everest to Cairo. I saw a person (I ain't no sexist) in Denver charge across three lanes of traffic into the left turn lane with the right turn signal blinking. When the light changed the driver went straight, then swerved back into the non-turn lane and went merrily along, blinker signalling all the while. I wouldn't have been any more surprised if the car had gone straight up.
I've learned to never be bothered by other driver's hand signals, and you'd be amazed at how many you get when you drive a 37' Motor Coach, especially on 2-lane roads. I think 55 mph is a perfectly respectable and safe speed. Apparently, I'm in the minority.
And, I've learned that retirement is nothing like I imagined it would be; it's so much better, but so much busier. Dar and I can't figure out how we had time to work. Going to bed when you're tired instead of when it's time, and getting up when you wake-up instead of when the alarm rings might have something to do with it. Sorry! I sure don't want to upset any Senior wannabes.
I've learned a few other things but they're rather trivial compared to the good stuff above, so I won't bore you with it.
I'm thinking that I should wrap up this post or I just might write everything that I haven't written yet. Then I'd be right back where I was before I started this Senior Speak revival. Or (like this might happen) I might have to find something worthwhile to say. By the way (now this is worthwhile) I've been wondering about a lot of stuff, and I've really been wondering just when cars without blackwall tires actually started looking normal and those with whitewalls started looking strange.
Oh, one more thing. This is not a "learned", this is an "occurred to me". It recently occurred to me that (joyfully) I have finally reached that wonderful age that I no longer have enough time left to grow up.
Have a wonderful day because it's a wonderful day out there!
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, April 27, 2009
Power Washers and Murphy's Law
Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
The saga of Spring Cleaning 2009 drew to a squeaky clean close at our dwelling on Thoroughbred Run this past Saturday. Oh, there may be an item or two that needs a little touch-up, but for all intents and purposes, it's over. But, Saturday saw a finale of near epic proportions.
I almost felt guilty when I perused the remaining items on the list. My name was pencilled in alongside "Power Wash the Garage Floor and the Deck" --- fun stuff for a guy. My Darlin' Dar was faced with "Clean and Organize All Kitchen and Bathroom Cupboards; Clean and Organize All Closets Including Switching Winter for Summer Clothing" ---akin to Waterboarding in my opinion.
The Weatherman had predicted a fine day for my tasks; mostly sunny, with a gentle breeze, and rain not due until 7:00 PM. At 9:00 AM, he was on the money except for the gentle breeze part. It was downright windy, and as they say, "It's an ill wind that blows no good." This was an ill wind.
I've lived in Michgan over 60 years, and I'm wondering just how much longer I'm going to have to live before I get it through my head that you have to be naive to the point of idiocy to be a Weatherman in Michigan. Worse yet, you have to be an idiot to the point of lunacy to believe their predictions. Someone told me, many years ago, that Mother Nature's maiden name was Murphy. Amen to that. What I never suspected was that Murphy also invented Power Washers.
Power Washers, sans Murphy, are wonderful things, and it's not the Power Washer per se that is the problem. It's more of a situational thing. As you've suspected, I will elaborate.
When Murphy invented the Power Washer, he instilled in it a certain number of absolutes, i.e. something that does not depend on anything else and is beyond human control.
1.) The fuel tank cannot contain enough fuel to complete the task, regardless of the size of the task.
1a.) You cannot run out of fuel until you are less than 20 minutes from completion.
1b.) You will not have a ready supply available.
a.) You will have refused the offer of a gas can full of fuel. Your task isn't that large.
b.) You will not own a gas can, until now.
Corollary: It is impossible to refuel a power washer without becoming paranoid about the possibility of the hot engine causing an explosion of the gas fumes. Further, it is also impossible to refuel a power washer without becoming paranoid about the engine oil level. You WILL attempt to check the oil. You will NOT have the Operator's Manual available, and there will NOT be a discernible "Full" mark on the dip stick. Therefore, it will always appear that the engine oil requires topping off. Even further, Murphy dictated that the fill tube for the engine oil be placed at such an angle and in such an inaccesible spot so to render adding engine oil virtually impossible without a funnel with a flexible tube. Commercially available funnels with flex tubes are too large to insert into the fill tube. Brilliant !
2.) The task will always require more time than anticipated.
2a.) You will assume that the power washer will remove oil stains from garage floors, and will persist until you remove expensively applied paint from around the still present oil spot.
2b.) You will make just enough passes on a dirty place on your deck until the original color shows through, necessitating the same amount of effort on the entire deck, including rails and posts. This will increase the time required a minimum of ten-fold.
3.) When power washing a raised deck, the power washer cannot be placed in a position which is convenient for shut-down in the event of rainfall. It must be positioned such that it requires re-entering the home, soggy wet, running through the raindrops, and shutting down the power washer.
3a.) It WILL rain. Mother Nature is, after all, a Murphy.
3b.) Shutting down the power washer will make the rain stop within 5 minutes, maximum.
3c.) You will be lured back to the deck, and 3a.) and 3b.) will reoccur.
3d.) You will find a slicker and defy the rain.
3e.) Donning a slicker will not stop the rain, but it will cause nearby Lightning and Thunder to begin. Holding a long metal power washing wand is a health hazard under these conditions. (See 3b.) It works for Lightning too.)
4.) Mother Nature will NOT allow you to become exasperated to the point of quitting the task at hand. She will tire of the game an instant before you do.
4a.) The rain will stop.
4b.) You will have approximately 10 square feet of deck to complete.
4c.) You will run out of fuel. (See 1b.)
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
The saga of Spring Cleaning 2009 drew to a squeaky clean close at our dwelling on Thoroughbred Run this past Saturday. Oh, there may be an item or two that needs a little touch-up, but for all intents and purposes, it's over. But, Saturday saw a finale of near epic proportions.
I almost felt guilty when I perused the remaining items on the list. My name was pencilled in alongside "Power Wash the Garage Floor and the Deck" --- fun stuff for a guy. My Darlin' Dar was faced with "Clean and Organize All Kitchen and Bathroom Cupboards; Clean and Organize All Closets Including Switching Winter for Summer Clothing" ---akin to Waterboarding in my opinion.
The Weatherman had predicted a fine day for my tasks; mostly sunny, with a gentle breeze, and rain not due until 7:00 PM. At 9:00 AM, he was on the money except for the gentle breeze part. It was downright windy, and as they say, "It's an ill wind that blows no good." This was an ill wind.
I've lived in Michgan over 60 years, and I'm wondering just how much longer I'm going to have to live before I get it through my head that you have to be naive to the point of idiocy to be a Weatherman in Michigan. Worse yet, you have to be an idiot to the point of lunacy to believe their predictions. Someone told me, many years ago, that Mother Nature's maiden name was Murphy. Amen to that. What I never suspected was that Murphy also invented Power Washers.
Power Washers, sans Murphy, are wonderful things, and it's not the Power Washer per se that is the problem. It's more of a situational thing. As you've suspected, I will elaborate.
When Murphy invented the Power Washer, he instilled in it a certain number of absolutes, i.e. something that does not depend on anything else and is beyond human control.
1.) The fuel tank cannot contain enough fuel to complete the task, regardless of the size of the task.
1a.) You cannot run out of fuel until you are less than 20 minutes from completion.
1b.) You will not have a ready supply available.
a.) You will have refused the offer of a gas can full of fuel. Your task isn't that large.
b.) You will not own a gas can, until now.
Corollary: It is impossible to refuel a power washer without becoming paranoid about the possibility of the hot engine causing an explosion of the gas fumes. Further, it is also impossible to refuel a power washer without becoming paranoid about the engine oil level. You WILL attempt to check the oil. You will NOT have the Operator's Manual available, and there will NOT be a discernible "Full" mark on the dip stick. Therefore, it will always appear that the engine oil requires topping off. Even further, Murphy dictated that the fill tube for the engine oil be placed at such an angle and in such an inaccesible spot so to render adding engine oil virtually impossible without a funnel with a flexible tube. Commercially available funnels with flex tubes are too large to insert into the fill tube. Brilliant !
2.) The task will always require more time than anticipated.
2a.) You will assume that the power washer will remove oil stains from garage floors, and will persist until you remove expensively applied paint from around the still present oil spot.
2b.) You will make just enough passes on a dirty place on your deck until the original color shows through, necessitating the same amount of effort on the entire deck, including rails and posts. This will increase the time required a minimum of ten-fold.
3.) When power washing a raised deck, the power washer cannot be placed in a position which is convenient for shut-down in the event of rainfall. It must be positioned such that it requires re-entering the home, soggy wet, running through the raindrops, and shutting down the power washer.
3a.) It WILL rain. Mother Nature is, after all, a Murphy.
3b.) Shutting down the power washer will make the rain stop within 5 minutes, maximum.
3c.) You will be lured back to the deck, and 3a.) and 3b.) will reoccur.
3d.) You will find a slicker and defy the rain.
3e.) Donning a slicker will not stop the rain, but it will cause nearby Lightning and Thunder to begin. Holding a long metal power washing wand is a health hazard under these conditions. (See 3b.) It works for Lightning too.)
4.) Mother Nature will NOT allow you to become exasperated to the point of quitting the task at hand. She will tire of the game an instant before you do.
4a.) The rain will stop.
4b.) You will have approximately 10 square feet of deck to complete.
4c.) You will run out of fuel. (See 1b.)
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Thursday, April 9, 2009
But It Ain't Dirty. It's Spring, Clean It.
Ode To Spring In Brooklyn
(The Brooklyn National Anthem) -- D. Lehr's version
Spring is sprung, Da grass is riz,
I wonder where da flowers is.
I see da boids, Dey's on da wing,
And dat's anudder sign a spring,
Boids on da wing? Now dats absoid,
I t'ought da wing was on da boid.
Yes ! Spring has come to Michigan too, but it's a bit early to get real excited. I've shoveled many a sidewalk full of Michigan Springtime.
Still, it's hard not to be a little excited that a pretty tough Winter will soon be just a memory. Baseball's Opening Days are upon us. Go Cards and Tigers ! The NCAA's March Madness is over, and a fine one it was. My Buddies (The Guys) and I gathered in Memphis for the South Region's Sweet Sixteen Championships. We've been to a lot of places, but I have to give Memphis the nod as one of the friendliest towns ever. With the games, the Gumbo, the Ribs and the Crawfish, it couldn't get much better. And with Spring comes that time-honored tradition of, Spring Cleaning.
A few days ago, My Darlin' Darlene says to me, she says, "Honey, it's time for Spring Cleaning, and I'm thinking that if we could both do a little, we could save the extra money that we would have to pay our cleaning man. Would you be willing to help?" I was aware that Spring Cleaning is cleaning that goes above and beyond the scope of just plain cleaning, and is an extra cost option, much like Floor Mats or Mud Guards. So, considering the current economic situation (Translation: Dumber than a post and naive as a new-born ), I said," You bet." She said, "Great. I'll make a To-do List and then we'll decide who's responsible for what."
The List was made (Torquemada made a list too. See Spanish Inquisition) and Dar , My Darlin' says, she says, "Honey, would it be okay with you if you were to be responsible for 1) Washing the blinds. 2) Washing the doors, and 3) Washing the baseboards ? I'll handle the rest of the inside stuff, and then you and I can do all of the other stuff together." What do I know ? I said, "Sure. Sounds fine to me. That should be a piece of cake."
There are 246 blind slats of varying lengths in our home. You cannot wash our kitchen, living room and dining room blinds without moving the ladder a minimum of twice each , and climbing up and down and up and down. The total length of those 246 slats is 14, 310 inches or 1,192.5 feet. Since I washed the top and the bottom of every one, that totals 2,385 feet or danged near a half mile. It's true! I counted 'em and I measured 'em and, as my Brother-In-Law Jim says, "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'." I won't mention how enamored I became with the strings that are such an integral part of blinds.
Now, here's the rub. I had long suspected this, and now I'm convinced. Much like the lyric in the song from "Camelot" that goes, "The rain may never fall till after sundown", dirt is not allowed in our house. Not wanting to wash the blinds with dirty water, I changed the water half way through my task. My wash water was as clear as water from a mountain spring. I took some dirt from the garage floor and put it on the last slat, so I could tell when I was done. Dar's cousin used to clean for us, and would often complain that she could never tell what she had cleaned and what she had not, since it was never dirty. I am here to testify that if cleanliness is, indeed, next to godliness, we are Heaven-bound !
That was yesterday.
Today, my chore was Door Washing. Somehow, it never occurred to me that doors need washing, especially clean ones (see paragraph above). I would have sworn that I washed 97 doors in our house, but I only had to do 92, since My Darlin' Dar did the 2 sets of French Doors and will do the Front Door also. 97 did seem a bit much, so I just did an actual count. Okay, I was off a little. There are 24, so I washed 19. But, they're each about 38 feet tall. Do you have any concept of how much bending and stretching and kneeling and getting back up again it takes to wash a door? Lots. My back and my legs... never mind.
For all of you gentlemen who have never participated in Spring Cleaning, but have left it up to your lady, I'm telling you now, women have got to be the strongest creatures, pound for pound, on earth. Never mind the ants, it's women. If women can do this Spring Cleaning thing year in and year out, without dying before they're 30, somebody needs to call Guinness. It sorta makes me wonder why Lizzie Borden felt she needed an axe. She could have offed the whole neighborhood with her bare hands.
My Darlin' Dar keeps telling me that one of the best things about making a list is the pleasure that you get from crossing off completed tasks. She's right. Crossing off Items 1 & 2 approached ecstasy, but she never told me how fleeting that pleasure can be. Speaking of lists, I've never rassled a gorilla before either, but I'm going to add that to my Bucket List, right near the bottom, just above "Spring Cleaning Again".
Tomorrow I get to do Item 3: Washing the Baseboards. My Darlin' Dar has given me a little more clarification as to what "Washing the Baseboards" entails. I get to move all of the furniture away from the baseboards, far enough so that I can vacuum all of that prohibited dirt that has snuck in under the furniture, then wash the baseboards and put the furniture back. That oughta be a little trip down Lollipop Lane. Five'll get ya Ten that I can get all of the dirt from the vacuum bag into an empty tea bag, assuming that I have enough strength left to empty the tea bag.
I'm standin' on The Gospel, here, if doing our own Spring Cleaning saves us one nickle less than $500.00, I'm gonna start saving for next Spring today. I might even give up a little of my "Soda Pop" money.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
(The Brooklyn National Anthem) -- D. Lehr's version
Spring is sprung, Da grass is riz,
I wonder where da flowers is.
I see da boids, Dey's on da wing,
And dat's anudder sign a spring,
Boids on da wing? Now dats absoid,
I t'ought da wing was on da boid.
Yes ! Spring has come to Michigan too, but it's a bit early to get real excited. I've shoveled many a sidewalk full of Michigan Springtime.
Still, it's hard not to be a little excited that a pretty tough Winter will soon be just a memory. Baseball's Opening Days are upon us. Go Cards and Tigers ! The NCAA's March Madness is over, and a fine one it was. My Buddies (The Guys) and I gathered in Memphis for the South Region's Sweet Sixteen Championships. We've been to a lot of places, but I have to give Memphis the nod as one of the friendliest towns ever. With the games, the Gumbo, the Ribs and the Crawfish, it couldn't get much better. And with Spring comes that time-honored tradition of, Spring Cleaning.
A few days ago, My Darlin' Darlene says to me, she says, "Honey, it's time for Spring Cleaning, and I'm thinking that if we could both do a little, we could save the extra money that we would have to pay our cleaning man. Would you be willing to help?" I was aware that Spring Cleaning is cleaning that goes above and beyond the scope of just plain cleaning, and is an extra cost option, much like Floor Mats or Mud Guards. So, considering the current economic situation (Translation: Dumber than a post and naive as a new-born ), I said," You bet." She said, "Great. I'll make a To-do List and then we'll decide who's responsible for what."
The List was made (Torquemada made a list too. See Spanish Inquisition) and Dar , My Darlin' says, she says, "Honey, would it be okay with you if you were to be responsible for 1) Washing the blinds. 2) Washing the doors, and 3) Washing the baseboards ? I'll handle the rest of the inside stuff, and then you and I can do all of the other stuff together." What do I know ? I said, "Sure. Sounds fine to me. That should be a piece of cake."
There are 246 blind slats of varying lengths in our home. You cannot wash our kitchen, living room and dining room blinds without moving the ladder a minimum of twice each , and climbing up and down and up and down. The total length of those 246 slats is 14, 310 inches or 1,192.5 feet. Since I washed the top and the bottom of every one, that totals 2,385 feet or danged near a half mile. It's true! I counted 'em and I measured 'em and, as my Brother-In-Law Jim says, "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'." I won't mention how enamored I became with the strings that are such an integral part of blinds.
Now, here's the rub. I had long suspected this, and now I'm convinced. Much like the lyric in the song from "Camelot" that goes, "The rain may never fall till after sundown", dirt is not allowed in our house. Not wanting to wash the blinds with dirty water, I changed the water half way through my task. My wash water was as clear as water from a mountain spring. I took some dirt from the garage floor and put it on the last slat, so I could tell when I was done. Dar's cousin used to clean for us, and would often complain that she could never tell what she had cleaned and what she had not, since it was never dirty. I am here to testify that if cleanliness is, indeed, next to godliness, we are Heaven-bound !
That was yesterday.
Today, my chore was Door Washing. Somehow, it never occurred to me that doors need washing, especially clean ones (see paragraph above). I would have sworn that I washed 97 doors in our house, but I only had to do 92, since My Darlin' Dar did the 2 sets of French Doors and will do the Front Door also. 97 did seem a bit much, so I just did an actual count. Okay, I was off a little. There are 24, so I washed 19. But, they're each about 38 feet tall. Do you have any concept of how much bending and stretching and kneeling and getting back up again it takes to wash a door? Lots. My back and my legs... never mind.
For all of you gentlemen who have never participated in Spring Cleaning, but have left it up to your lady, I'm telling you now, women have got to be the strongest creatures, pound for pound, on earth. Never mind the ants, it's women. If women can do this Spring Cleaning thing year in and year out, without dying before they're 30, somebody needs to call Guinness. It sorta makes me wonder why Lizzie Borden felt she needed an axe. She could have offed the whole neighborhood with her bare hands.
My Darlin' Dar keeps telling me that one of the best things about making a list is the pleasure that you get from crossing off completed tasks. She's right. Crossing off Items 1 & 2 approached ecstasy, but she never told me how fleeting that pleasure can be. Speaking of lists, I've never rassled a gorilla before either, but I'm going to add that to my Bucket List, right near the bottom, just above "Spring Cleaning Again".
Tomorrow I get to do Item 3: Washing the Baseboards. My Darlin' Dar has given me a little more clarification as to what "Washing the Baseboards" entails. I get to move all of the furniture away from the baseboards, far enough so that I can vacuum all of that prohibited dirt that has snuck in under the furniture, then wash the baseboards and put the furniture back. That oughta be a little trip down Lollipop Lane. Five'll get ya Ten that I can get all of the dirt from the vacuum bag into an empty tea bag, assuming that I have enough strength left to empty the tea bag.
I'm standin' on The Gospel, here, if doing our own Spring Cleaning saves us one nickle less than $500.00, I'm gonna start saving for next Spring today. I might even give up a little of my "Soda Pop" money.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
There's a Hole In My Bucket !
If you've not seen the Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman movie, "The Bucket List", you really should. I won't attempt a review, but suffice it to say that when you do see it, you will probably start your own list of "Things to do before I kick the bucket". Having the list is great, but the list is just a list. Crossing things off the list is the point of the exercise.
I'll bet you're thinking, "Geez, now I'm going to have to sit here and read Lehr's stupid list." You're right, but it will be at the end of this piece, so you'll have plenty of time to click the big old "X" up in the corner.
I had a great time making my list, but not before I had even more fun with my "Hole In My Bucket List"; things that I have absolutely no intention of ever doing, no matter how long I have before I dent the pail. I encourage you to do the same, and a plus feature is that you can cross everything off your "Hole In The Bucket List" immediately, since anything you're NOT going to do is done the moment you write it down. Sweet !
I'll bet you're thinking, "Geez, now I'm going to have to sit here and read Lehr's stupid list." You're right, but it will be at the end of this piece, so you'll have plenty of time to click the big old "X" up in the corner.
I had a great time making my list, but not before I had even more fun with my "Hole In My Bucket List"; things that I have absolutely no intention of ever doing, no matter how long I have before I dent the pail. I encourage you to do the same, and a plus feature is that you can cross everything off your "Hole In The Bucket List" immediately, since anything you're NOT going to do is done the moment you write it down. Sweet !
Lehr's Hole In My Bucket List
1. Climb Rosy Mound.
Rosy Mound is a tall sand dune just south of Grand Haven, Michigan. The Rosy Mound website says that there is "1,000 feet of steps, up and down the dunes: (can be somewhat strenuous)". I'm not doin' that. FYI: I'm not climbin' the Matterhorn or Mount Everest either. I know a lot of people put stuff like that on their Bucket Lists. All I have to say about that is, "Are you crazy ? It's a Bucket List, not a How to Kick the Bucket List.
2. Swim Across anything.
English Channel, Lake Michigan, Kiddie Pool at the Holiday Inn, name your puddle. I ain't swimmin' it. I didn't like swimming when I could do it.
3. Hike the Allegheny Trail (insert "Any" for Allegheny).
If it entails hiking boots, a back-pack and a walking stick, count me out. I walked home from my High School girlfriend's house one night (56 blocks), and I figure I did my time. I'll do the Boardwalk at Grand Haven, or 24 laps at the Fitness Center (2 miles), but "Hike" ? Huh-uh.
4. Bungee Jumping.
If you think I'm even close to being that crazy, we need to discuss our "friendship".
5. Learn Ballroom Dancing and/or watch "Dancing With the Stars".
I will get some heat from my daughter, Samantha, on this. She used to be a Professional Ballroom Dancer and Instructor. I loved watching her but now I look at it this way; I'm not going to dance because when I dance I sweat and when I sweat I stink and when I stink, the girls won't dance with me.
6. Travel to the Middle East, i.e. places where people would rather shoot me than tie their shoes.
My Darlin' Darlene lived in Iran for a few years, leaving just before the Hostages were taken.
If I get curious about anything in the Middle East, I'll ask her about it. If she ever gets a yen to go visit again, I'll even help pay for the Therapist.
7. Fly with my younger brother, Steve.
Steve is a retired Air Force Major. He used to ask me to "go up" with him quite often. I don't even like flying with people who get paid to do it. And, I remember what he was like when he was a kid. He wasn't uncoordinated, but he broke his arm jumping 2 feet off of a porch.
I could keep going on and on and on, but you'd probably say, "Dang ! He just keeps going on and on and on." So, as promised, here's my Bucket List.
Lehr's Bucket List
1. Travel the USA in my (our) own Class A.
Dar and I share this dream. I have a Western Loop all mapped out. It helps that we have a lot of Western relatives to visit with wonderful things to see along the way. How does this sound ? We head straight to Denver, through the Rockies and down to Albuquerque (relative stop). Then west again to Huntington Beach, CA (Dar's brother Bob). Now north to Garberville, CA (my daughter Alicia). Then up to Seattle (relative stop), on to Vancouver and then to Jasper, Alberta. Back down to Yellowstone and home by way of the Black Hills in South Dakota. Should take at least a couple weeks.
2. Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride.
3. Watch the Pelicans feeding off Dauphin Island in Mobile Bay.
That's it. I'm a simple man.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Practice Makes Perfect
A first-time visitor to New York City asked a Cop on the corner, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" The Cop replied, "Practice man, practice." That is, indeed, the way to become proficient at just about anything.
My old buddy, Chas, and I were teammates on our Junior High basketball team. Chas always laughed at my so-called jump shot. He said that I looked like a frog. Unfortunately, I did. I looked like a frog because that's the way I practiced my shot. Though it's hard to believe now, I was very skinny back then, and could barely get the ball to the basket from the free throw line. I had to hold the ball with both hands, way back behind my head, jump with legs akimbo and hurl the danged thing. I got very good at looking like a frog. Unfortunately, since I rarely made a basket, I got very good at missing. If it ever went in the basket, it was because I didn't do it the way I had practiced it.
I have played golf for many years. I have sliced and pushed the ball to the right for as many years as I've played, and I'm much better at slicing and pushing it today than I was twenty years ago. Why, you may ask? I'm firmly convinced that if you practice doing something right, you get better at doing it right, but if you practice doing something wrong, you get just as proficient. I am danged near Pro proficient at doing just about everything wrong that is possible on a golf course. I love the game.
Getting old just comes naturally, but "Being Old" (that's getting old and danged good at it), you guessed it, takes practice. Anybody can just get old and go to "The Home", but "Being Old" and entering "The Home", now that's sweet !
I practice "Being Old" a little bit every day, and if you want to get good at it, so should you. You youngsters, take note. It's never too early to start.
Shuffling:
Shuffling is a major part of old, and all old-timers shuffle. But, shuffling well doesn't just happen on it's own. I like to approach it much like a golfer; develop a routine that promotes "muscle-memory", and once you have the fundamentals down, it's always easy to return to the basics in the event that you have an "off day".
-The Stance: The stance is all important. Your feet should be at shoulder width, toes pointed straight ahead. Bend your knees and keep them bent at all times. Keep your back as straight as possible with your shoulders thrown back and head jutting forward. Your arms should be held tightly at your side with your elbows bent and your forearms parallel to the ground.
-The Action: Maintaining the stance at all times, slide your feet forward, never more than 6-8 inches at a time. Your feet are never to leave the ground, never. I probably don't need to mention this, but a word of caution may be necessary for beginners: do not attempt to move both feet at the same time. Alternate. If you're having difficulty achieving the proper action, try practicing with a pair of old slippers, either the open heeled kind, or a pair with heels that you've stomped down so well that there's no way you can keep them on your feet unless you slide them across the floor. Try to dodder.
-The Appearance: Your appearance is of the utmost importance. You want to look the part as well as live it. If you have dentures or partials etc., try leaving them out occasionally. Keep your jaws tightly together with your lips pressed tightly together as well. Drooling is optional (more on this later).
-Suggestions: I like to do this once or twice daily, just across a room or two. Try to include both carpeted surfaces and hard surfaces. You can never be sure what you'll encounter at "The Home". Once in a while, throw in a little stumble; not a full blown pratfall with face plant, but just a hint of a stumble. Another word of caution: Do NOT practice the stumble move so often that you develop "muscle-memory". Remember, if you practice it to the point of getting good at it, you'll become so proficient at stumbling that you'll be falling all over the place. They get really upset when you do this at "The Home", and they'll probably call your kids and rat you out.
Dentures:
Although modern dental hygiene has eliminated a lot of denture use, they're still a part of the fun of getting old for many folks, and thus, they're definitely part of "Being Old". Forgetting to put your dentures or partials in and/or losing them are the two major activities to focus on in your practice routines. I know, it seems a little ticky-tacky, but you'd be surprised how many oldsters never forget them or lose them. I wouldn't spend a lot of time on this, but it should be part of your practice schedule. Breaking your dentures is something you may wish to consider, but I never recommend practicing it, they're way too expensive. It's your call. One other minor thing, and then we'll leave this part of the discussion. You may want to place your dentures in a soaker glass and leave them in a conspicuous spot now and then. Also, try and do all of the above from time to time when dinner guests are present; not often, but just so you get the feel for it.
Drooling:
Drooling is definitely optional. I'm not much into it, but apparently, there are a lot of folks who are, so I feel moved to include just a passing reference here. I guess my take on it is, if you're going to drool, don't dribble, drool ! As far as technique is concerned, I'll just have to leave that up to you. Sorry.
Nodding Off:
All oldsters nod off, so this is a must do. I find nodding off to be one of the most boring parts of my routine, but it's so necessary. So, whenever you're reading the paper or a book, or watching TV, just let your eyes close slowly, and lower your head for a few moments, every chance you get. Try to incorporate a "head-bob" with every other nod off. I'm not suggesting a whiplash move here, just a "head-bob". If you experience difficulty with the nod off try tuning in to a Bowling match or an Infomercial on TV. For some, watching Golf may help, unless Tiger's playing. Some folks may have a measure of success by having a cocktail before this part of your routine, but a degree of caution should be taken if you choose to imbibe a Martini. One should do the trick, but two may induce a "head-bob" that may result in your needing a neck-brace.
Forgetfulness:
This is my "piece of cake". I haven't really had to practice this much at all. My best suggestion is to encourage your spouse or partner (for the Politically Correct crowd) to make a "Job Jar" filled with slips of paper with various chores written on them. They'll love to be included in helping you in your journey toward "Being Old", as long as they understand that the "Job Jar" is only make-believe. I must caution you, though, this can backfire on you if your spouse/partner is also practicing forgetfulness. Then, whenever you need to work forgetfulness into your routine, take out a job slip, throw it away and go do something you'd rather do. Another great way to exercise forgetting, is to never put your car keys in your pocket, so that every time you and your loved one are going for a drive, you'll have to get back out of the car and go back inside to retrieve your keys. Finally, and I recommend this only if you're having a lot of difficulty with forgetting, whenever you are right at the point of backing out of your garage with your spouse/partner, put the car back in "Park" and say, "I think I'd better use the bathroom before we go." Go back inside, use the bathroom if need be, then go sit down and turn on the TV. Believe me, you'll be surprised at how few times you'll have to do the bathroom thing before you'll either be a very proficient forgetter, or you will never forget another thing in your lifetime.
Losing things:
This one can be fun. As you all know, losing things in your own home is nearly impossible to do. You really have to try to be able to intentionally lose things. It's a lot like hiding your own Easter Eggs, and I don't know how I can help you get better at it. I've practiced it so much that I think I finally have it down. I hid my eyeglasses the other night, and when I awoke the next morning, I couldn't find them. A word of caution here; hiding or losing your eyeglasses is not a good thing to do. They're very hard to find without having your eyeglasses on. But, my Darling Darlene came to my rescue, and found them in the half bath. I've gotten so good at it, that I don't even remember hiding them there. I know one thing though, I sure don't want to lose My Darling Darlene. I thank God every day for her, and I can't imagine getting old or "Being Old" without her.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Back In The Saddle
A very belated Happy New Year ! My last post was December 16, 2008, so it's been nearly a month since Senior Speak has spoken. So, for all of you who have sent E-Mails wondering whether I had finally shut up, firstly, thank you for asking, and secondly, no I haven't.
The Holidays were so incredibly busy, and I had quite a list of Stained Glass pieces that needed doing, and the danged Elves were afraid they'd cut their fingers, and insisted on hazardous duty pay, and on and on ad nauseum. Then, on New Year's Eve, I was bit by the Flu Bug. For those of you who have had it, my sympathies. For those of you who haven't had it, don't get it. It ain't worth doin'.
If all that wasn't enough, my computer decided to entertain a whole host of viruses, and it took the Fix-it shop a whole week plus $150.00 to clear 'em out, and I've spent the last 2 days trying to get things back to the way they were before. I don't deal as well with change as I used to. Go figure. I also had to deal with another Birthday a little before Christmas, to add a little more trauma. So, welcome back to my Vale of Tears.
This first post of 2009 will be a sort of Bits 'n' Pieces post, so if I ramble a little, please bear with me.
A while back, My Darlin' Darlene found a wonderful piece titled "Grandma's Apron", which I'll share with you now.
The Holidays were so incredibly busy, and I had quite a list of Stained Glass pieces that needed doing, and the danged Elves were afraid they'd cut their fingers, and insisted on hazardous duty pay, and on and on ad nauseum. Then, on New Year's Eve, I was bit by the Flu Bug. For those of you who have had it, my sympathies. For those of you who haven't had it, don't get it. It ain't worth doin'.
If all that wasn't enough, my computer decided to entertain a whole host of viruses, and it took the Fix-it shop a whole week plus $150.00 to clear 'em out, and I've spent the last 2 days trying to get things back to the way they were before. I don't deal as well with change as I used to. Go figure. I also had to deal with another Birthday a little before Christmas, to add a little more trauma. So, welcome back to my Vale of Tears.
This first post of 2009 will be a sort of Bits 'n' Pieces post, so if I ramble a little, please bear with me.
A while back, My Darlin' Darlene found a wonderful piece titled "Grandma's Apron", which I'll share with you now.
Grandma's Apron
I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of
I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of
Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few. It was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And, when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes. Send this to those who would know, and love, the story about Grandma's aprons. Or it can be a good history lesson for those that have no idea how the apron played a part in our lives.
REMEMBER:Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to 'cool'. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to 'thaw'.They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron; however, I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron.
Boy, does that bring back memories! I hope that every one of you has at least one memory of a Grandma's Apron. I am so fortunate that I had two "Aproned Grandma's", along with my own mother and my Aunt Lola who were apron devotees. My family was, at best, somewhat "countrified". I recall helping both of my Grandmas carry in kindling for their wood cookstoves, although I didn't have the advantage of an apron, which they surely did.
We spent many summer vacations "down home" in Ellsinore, a tiny (today's population: 360) village in the Ozark foothills of Southern Missouri. It was much smaller back then, and we loved it. Other than the two County Roads that intersected near the Greyhound Bus Stop, all the streets were hard packed red dirt. There was a creek across the road from Grandma's house, and my brother, my cousin Jurdy Leach (a red-haired, freckled replica of Huckleberry Finn) and I spent hours catching crawdads and chasing snakes after Daily Vacation Bible School. Then, up the creek bank to a huge Mulberry tree which we climbed, lounged in the shade and ate our fill and then some. On some weekend nights, a huge white tarp was fastened to the side of the only brick building in town, to serve as a movie screen, and the townfolk would gather to watch; not so much Drive-In as Stand-In movies. Ozark people are easily amused.
We spent many summer vacations "down home" in Ellsinore, a tiny (today's population: 360) village in the Ozark foothills of Southern Missouri. It was much smaller back then, and we loved it. Other than the two County Roads that intersected near the Greyhound Bus Stop, all the streets were hard packed red dirt. There was a creek across the road from Grandma's house, and my brother, my cousin Jurdy Leach (a red-haired, freckled replica of Huckleberry Finn) and I spent hours catching crawdads and chasing snakes after Daily Vacation Bible School. Then, up the creek bank to a huge Mulberry tree which we climbed, lounged in the shade and ate our fill and then some. On some weekend nights, a huge white tarp was fastened to the side of the only brick building in town, to serve as a movie screen, and the townfolk would gather to watch; not so much Drive-In as Stand-In movies. Ozark people are easily amused.
It wasn't much different when we returned to our home, about 5 miles north of Reed City, Michigan, although we did have electricity and a natural gas space heater. Plumbing was something for city folks. My earliest recollection of indoor plumbing was when we finally moved to town on Church Street in Reed City. I was 10 years old, and thought I was finally "livin' in tall cotton", as my Dad called it, though, for the life of me, I have no idea what "livin' in tall cotton" actually refers to. Obviously, you can take a boy out of the Ozarks, but you just can't take the Ozarks out of the boy. Southerners do have a penchant for colorful language and expressions.
My Dad would call a hard rain a "Frog Strangler". One time, while playing catch, he threw me a high, hard one. When I flinched and ducked, he laughed and said that I was "blinkin' like a hog in a hailstorm". My Uncle John Lehr was a master of colorful expression. When I was around 4 or 5, and had experienced a bit of a growth spurt, he remarked to my Dad that I was "danged near big enough to turn over gravel", a reference to my supposed urinary prowess.
As I said earlier, I may ramble a bit, and it appears that my mind is stuck in the Ozark backwoods. I'm enjoying it, but I fear that it may be asking a lot of my readers to continue down this particular path, so I'll save some for another time.
Now, if I could just find some old-fashioned flour sacks, and a pattern for those great old aprons. And if I knew how to sew, and...
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr ( Michguy)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Mister, Get Your Reindeer Off My Roof !
How in the world did it manage to get to the 16th of December without me knowing it ? Something weird happens every year, between mid-November and December 20; days disappear. I think it has something to do with birthdays. December 20 is my birthday and it always catches me off guard. I should be getting better at remembering that it's coming, I've had enough practice. This will be the 66th time I've forgotten, although I think I can be excused for forgetting the first few.Sixty-six ! Hard to imagine. At this moment, I can only think of 2 good things about 66. First, it's great to have made it, and second, I love Route 66. Not the Highway itself, but the aura that it's generated over the years; the romance of the road West, from Chicago to Southern California. I like the song too. "...get your kicks on Route 66." which segues me into my topic for today, Christmas Music.
Can you imagine anything that has produced a wider range of musical output than Christmas ? From the ridiculousness of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer", to the sublimity of Handel's "Messiah". My Darlin Darlene and I have managed to cover the gamut fairly well. I haven't done an actual count, but we have a stereo system that has a 51 slot carousel, and our Christmas CD collection won't fit. And, I'm proud to say, we don't have a CD that includes the "Grandma..." thing.
I love the music of Christmas, and always have, although I'm happy to confine my enjoyment to the month of December, give or take a day or two. My Darlin' Dar and I always Deck our Halls for Christmas on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and mark the season's onset by playing some of our favorite Christmas music as we decorate. Every year, since my daughter, Alicia, sent it to us around 14 years ago, the first CD that we play is Aaron Neville's wonderful "Soulful Christmas". Try it, you'll love it.
We spend at least one evening every season sitting by the fire enjoying the "Messiah", and our collection of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's CD's. I also have to get my fix of the Christmas music from my childhood, and since my childhood lasted for more years than most people's, this covers a lot of ground; Glenn Miller, Bing, Frank, Dean, Tony Bennett's "Snowfall" CD. I even sneak in a little Gene Autry, although I still maintain that Rudolph, whom Gene introduced in the 50's, is a cartoon interloper who really doesn't belong, since Clement Moore never mentioned him in his poem that defined Christmas Eve, forever. My Darlin' Dar has an amazing amount of tolerance, but every year, when I finally sneak in my Andrews Sisters' Christmas CD, my control over what gets played, ceases.A couple years back, I stumbled across a Christmas CD that is extraordinary. Imagine a Rock Band doing a Christmas CD. I'm sure that if I'd stumbled across a Christmas CD by REO Speedwagon, I would have passed, but this wasn't by just any Rock Band. This was by the Moody Blues. You really do need to find it. It's called "December", and it's excellent except for one song. The only track that is a typical Christmas offering, is "White Christmas" and it's the only skippable song on the CD. Try it, you'll love it.
Nearly everybody has Barbra Streisand, Mannheim Steamroller, Trans-Siberian Orchestra and all the classics. Check out Peabo Bryson's "Peace On Earth", Kenny G, and Harry Connick Jr.'s stuff. But, whatever you do, enjoy this wonderful season, and stay warm.
Now, I've gotta get back to my Stained Glass Workshop. Lotsa presents to complete. By the way, the Santa at the top is my Son-In-Law, Donovan, my daughter Alicia's husband, playing Santa at their store, Kidz-'N'-More, out in Garberville, California.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
More Rhyme Than Reason
As I mentioned in my last post, some of my readers who have read a few of my poems (I usually call them rhymes), have asked that I post them here. It took me longer to decide on a title for this post than it did to write a few of my poems. I struggled with "Lehr: Modern Longfellow" or "Frost, Reborn" and a few more grandiose ones. My thinking was that I'll never get these published unless I do it myself, and as long as it's my site ---well, you get my drift. My Uncle John Lehr told me once, many years ago, "If you don't blow your own horn now and then, somebody's gonna think it's a funnel, and pour a buncha hooey down it." But, humility won out, and humility becomes me so.
I hope you enjoy these, and perhaps get a chuckle or a tear.
The first one is called, "And Then There Were Eight, Again". I wrote this in response to the Planet Pluto's being demoted to unplanetary status a while back.
-Don Lehr
When our parents were young, there were eight.
But Clyde’s famous find made it nine.
Though named for the god of the Underworld,
Pluto has seemed quite benign.
But being a planet is tough,
It’s got to live up to it’s hype.
Though Pluto tried hard, the Club changed the rules,
And Pluto was sent down the pipe.
I don’t know how it made you feel,
But it gave me a case of the ickies.
Thank goodness we still have the other one though.
Pluto---- the dog----
Mickey’s.
--------------------------------------
I hope you enjoy these, and perhaps get a chuckle or a tear.
The first one is called, "And Then There Were Eight, Again". I wrote this in response to the Planet Pluto's being demoted to unplanetary status a while back.
And Then There Were Eight, Again
-Don Lehr
When our parents were young, there were eight.
But Clyde’s famous find made it nine.
Though named for the god of the Underworld,
Pluto has seemed quite benign.
But being a planet is tough,
It’s got to live up to it’s hype.
Though Pluto tried hard, the Club changed the rules,
And Pluto was sent down the pipe.
I don’t know how it made you feel,
But it gave me a case of the ickies.
Thank goodness we still have the other one though.
Pluto---- the dog----
Mickey’s.
--------------------------------------
This next one is "...not stupid, merely foolish." I was getting a haircut, and suddenly the electric clippers were doing something in my ear, and then the other ear. So, "Geezers With Tweezers".
Geezers With Tweezers
-Don Lehr
As I squandered my youth,
Both unkempt and uncouth,
Growing older held no fear for me.
Just fill up my glass,
And get one for that lass
Over there. Life was all it should be.
Even after youth faded,
I never grew jaded,
Nor minded the passing of years.
But the one thing that’s wracked
Me with fear is the fact
That old men all have hair in their ears.
I know it seems trivial,
And I mean it convivial’,
Still, it does make me pause,
To ponder what purpose,
What reason, what service
This hair, this nausea cause
Fills? So wiry and coarse,
Much like fescue or gorse,
The thought nearly brings me to tears.
I know fully and well,
That a part of Man’s Hell,
Begins here, with hair in our ears!
Now dignity is tough
To maintain, as enough
Men will quite willingly testify.
We endure spreading torso’s,
With, “There’s just some more so’s
To love”, and a wink of our eye.
But the thought that just chills me,
(‘Twill be this that kills me)
Is this one, my greatest of fears,
“ Here lies an Old Geezer,
Found dead with his tweezer,
Apparently pulling hair from his ears.”
O-o-o-kay.
-----------------------------------
"The Trail Past Santa Fe" is one of my favorites. That's probably because I dearly love the people that are involved; my Darlin' Darlene, Alene Hunt and the late Slim Hunt. Slim's real name was Don, but I called him Slim because he was slim. He was one of the finest people I've ever known, a good old Arkansas boy with a continual smile and a twinkle in his eye. I miss him.
The poem relates how we were going up to Santa Fe, but Alene wanted to show us so much other stuff that we never actually got there. By the way, Madrid is the town where most of the movie "Wild Hogs" was filmed. It's pronounced with the emphasis on the first syllable, otherwise it throws off the rhythm of the poem.
The Trail Past Santa Fe
-Don Lehr
We headed out of Edgewood in the big white Cadillac,
Trail Boss Alene, up front with Dar. Slim Hunt ‘n’ me in back.
Our destination, Santa Fe, that storied Old West town.
The Boss an’ Slim said, “...just can’t wait to show you all around.”
We crossed the San Pedros mountains, stopped at Madrid on the way,
Where a bunch of burned out Hippies had decided that they’d stay.
With no apparent way to turn a dollar, they were sunk,
‘Til they got the inspiration to make “artwork” outa junk.
Old, worn out tires and beer cans are just trash to most us folks,
But those Hippies turned them into gold, with the help of self-rolled smokes.
The artsy-fartsies snap it up, but to my frame of mind,
It’s still plain junk inspired by, a few tokes over the line.
The Boss said, “Jump !” We said, “How high?” We jumped back in the car,
“Let’s head on up to Taos first. It’s really not that far.”
Through desert, right past Santa Fe, she wound that Cadillac.
“There’s lots of time, we’ve got all day. We’ll stop on our way back.”
“Chimayo’s next. To not stop there would be an awful sin.”
But sinful that I am, I caused some tension to set in.
Now I know well, Religion is a topic we should skirt,
But I made a “Baptist” comment ‘bout the Church of Holy Dirt.
Slim looked at me agrinnin’ wide, just like that Cheshire cat.
But I lucked out, I’d only caused a minor-major spat.
How Catholics can live in peace with Baptists is now clear.
Just sit the “Sprinklers” up in front, us “Dunkers” in the rear
The lunch in Taos was real fine, the Margaritas too,
We hit the shops a runnin’, there was so much left to do.
Back on the road, “Jeez, check your watch, our time is slippin’ away,
We’d like to catch the Indians sellin’ silver in Santa Fe.”
So off we motored, racin’ time. “There’s too danged much to do
In just one day.” I settled back and marveled at the view.
The Rio Grande, the desert hills, the sky so blue ‘n’ clear,
Ol’ Slim, who’d seen it all before, said,”How’d you like a beer?”
“Now beers don’t come in ones” says I, “but if there’s two, I’m sold.”
“I got two apiece, Alene can’t drink, she’s drivin’, an’ they’re still cold.”
You talk about enjoy yourself; a picture-perfect day,
The gals up front and us in back drinkin’ roadies on our way.
Alene bewailed, “I can’t believe we’re runnin’ out of time,
The Indians are gone, St. Frank’s is locked, it’s simply just a crime.
It’s such a shame that Santa Fe shuts down at 5 o’clock.”
I said, “Don’t fret. We’ll come back up. Hey, ain’t that Camel Rock?”
Then Slim piped up, “Casino time! It’s early, then we’ll go
To Pelican’s for grub, but now let’s stop and win some dough.”
Those Indians knew the Boss and Slim were gamblers to be feared,
But they’d cut their losses with the Blonde and the fat guy with the beard.
Those one-armed-bandits left me’n Dar with just an empty cup,
But the Boss ‘n’ Slim were on a roll, you’d think they’d set it up.
Yeah, Dar ‘n me were separated fast from our hard earned pay,
While the Boss ‘n’ Slim were stackin’ silver dollars in their tray.
“Well Slim,” I said, “ That tidy cache ain’t all that you just won,
You’ve won the check for dinner too, so let’s head out now, son.”
We lobstered well at Pelican’s, Martinied once or twice,
And watchin’ Slim haul out the cash, just made it twice as nice.
We left old Albuquerque in that big white Cadillac,
Slim Hunt was drivin’ up front with me, Dar ‘n’ Alene in back.
Our destination, Edgewood, the close of a perfect day,
Out in “The Land of Enchantment” on The Trail past Santa Fe.
---------------------------------------
"Vespers at St. Ann's" is my imaginary look at an actual event that occurred in our little town. There is a local watering hole that has been here for ages, called "Stan's". To many of the locals, it's "St. Ann's", and for many of those, a visit to "St. Ann's" has been described variously as, "Services at St. Ann's" or "Vespers at St. Ann's". Some years back, a group of the old regulars sent out the word that on a selected evening, there was to be a gathering of the old "parishioners" for "Vespers"; a sort of reunion of the old crowd, some of which had back-slidden, and were no longer attending "Services" regularly.
Skip One-Eye was an actual person, since passed on, whom I had known for years. The others are all figments of my imagination. The events described are fictitious, although the Euchre and Cribbage Tournaments are legendary.
Vespers at St. Ann’s
-Don Lehr
A reunion of old Reg’lars was called for Vespers at St. Ann’s,
That venerated bar that’s known, by lesser lights, as Stan’s.
While on his way, Old Jake went on a journey through the years,
Remembering all the good times, good friends and countless beers.
He chuckled as he thought about how Mike and he, one night,
Stopped by for one or maybe two or six. They both got tight.
They headed out the front to leave, but when they looked around,
Jake’s car was gone, plain disappeared, ‘twas nowhere to be found.
They went back in, took up their spots, they had to think this through,
The barkeep said, “Short trip.” Jake said, “Just bring us each a brew”.
They called the cops. The whole danged force turned out to find Jake’s car,
The cops said, “Go home”. Jake said, “I’m in no shape to walk that far”.
They sat through two or three more beers, then up walked old Fat Jack,
He said, “Nobody stole your car. It’s sittin’ out in back”.
The only times that fights broke out involved the “fairer” sex,
Big Fred would punch you out, or worse, for dancin’ with his ex.
She’d latch on to some stranger, cause the Reg’lars wouldn’t chance
A fight with Fred just so his fat and ugly ex could dance.
There may have been a couple girls that you might say were “fair”,
But most, the best that you could say was, they were always there.
The Cribbage and the Euchre games just added to the fun,
But everybody got so tanked that no one knew who’d won.
The arguments were long and loud ‘cause no one really knew,
And every game would end the same, and then the feathers flew.
‘Til one night Stan, the owner, bravely stepped into the fray,
And said, “Just cut the deck to see who won before you play.”
That solved the problem and the games were shortened up by far,
They’d cut the deck. “You won. Let’s belly back up to the bar.”
When Jake thought of “L.B.I.”, he laughed and nearly cried.
He laughed so hard he had to pull his car off to the side.
The “Local Band of Idiots” all Regulars at Stans,
Their leader was old Skip One-Eye, proclaimed by show of hands.
They’d tried out “Chief” and “President” but he’d have none of it.
“The Grand Bewildered” pleased him though. He said it sorta fit.
Of all the Regulars at Stans, Skip was there constantly.
And everyone took note when Skip would stagger off to pee.
His legendary mishaps drew each eye toward that door,
In order not to miss some new addition to his lore.
If you were on his good side (left) then everything went great,
But if you spoke while on his right, he’d turn and face you straight.
The Reg’lars knew but strangers who would say “Hello” would chance,
To see him turn, still firin’ blind, and wettin’ down their pants.
Of all those tales, one will be linked forever to his name,
The night of old Skip’s “World Class Leak”: his quarter hour of fame.
Stan’s was packed with local folks, the frenzy at its peak,
And not a soul missed Skip One-Eye as he staggered off to leak.
He lost his balance at the trough, fell backward through the wall,
And landed flush on Helen sitting in the ladies stall.
He tripped on Helen’s panties and became airborne once more,
Wiped out the sink and towel rack then came crashing through the door.
The place had gone dead silent then, with every eye on Skip,
Who finished up his rudely interrupted “tuck and zip.”
Then from the back a snicker came soon followed by a hoot,
As Skip bent down, retrieving Helen’s panties from his boot.
The laughter roared to bedlam then still louder to a din,
And Skip poured more fuel on the fire. He staggered right back in.
The bar went silent once again in time to hear the swell
Of Helen’s screamin’ like a demon just escaped from Hell.
The volume dropped as Helen braced herself for Skip’s attack.
But Skip walked out and said, “I’sh on’y try’n’ ta give ‘em back.”
Jake parked out back and then he thought, “Geez this place looks old
And dumpy. Now it’s snowin’ and that wind is awfully cold.
There were a lot of good times interspersed with all the bad,
It may be tough to resurrect the fun and laughs we had.
I’ll have to be real funny like I always used to be,
And I’ll be dodgin’ Vera who will try to kiss on me.
And if she does, her husband Doug will have to give me grief,
They may not show and that would be a source of great relief.
Out here I hear the music, is that music or mistake?
My God, that stuff is so danged loud it makes my molars ache.
I’m sure the place is filled with smoke but now it makes me cough,
And then there’s all those idiots that throw butts into the trough.
But dang, a nice tall beer sounds good, ice cold with lots of foam,
I’ve got a six-pack in the Fridge. I think I’ll just go home”.
--------
"De Dog, On Cats" is my granddaughter Morgan's favorite, and I must admit, I'm purty partial to it myself.
De Dog, On Cats
-De Dog
Dem doggone cats. Dey’s jest like rats, with needles in dey jaws.
Dey slink around, don’ make no sound, and in dey paws, dey’s claws.
Dey attitude is awful rude, and when dey twitch dey tail, ya
Best watch out, ‘thout a doubt, if you don’ git, dey’ll nail ya.
--------------------------------------------
Finally, "Twin Towers" is what I feel may be the best poem I've ever written. I wrote it on the day following 9/11/2001.
Twin Towers
Sunrise, filled with promise, spread its rays,
Like the dawns had always done before.
She stood, steadfast, her seaward gaze
Searching for those yearning for her shore.
She knew her lamp must shine for them to see,
She knew that they must see her when they came,
So they could know her promise to be free,
And her welcome still burned brightly as her flame.
But this morn’, though it seemed like all the rest,
Brought a strange foreboding from somewhere.
She felt the chill of fear deep in her breast,
And the smell of evil wafted on the air.
Then a sound! Like none she’d heard before,
The hell-hot wind, for certain, Satan’s breath,
And from afar there came a second roar,
Obscured now by the hideous laugh of Death.
She’d not allow the blast’s force bend her knee!
She summoned all her strength and stood her ground.
Anguishing, she knew that she must see,
So Lady Liberty turned her head around.
She feared what would await her as she turned,
And when she saw she gasped in disbelief.
She saw her wondrous city as it burned,
And bowed her head and shed the tears of grief.
She turned again, retook her timeless pose,
Her gaze to seaward dimmed through teary mist,
And as her anger and her fury rose,
Mighty Liberty clenched her awesome fist.
The Eagle soaring westward from the sea,
Was witness to the treachery below.
He heard the mournful sobs of Liberty,
And watched as she withstood the hellish blow.
He dove straight through the fire that filled the skies.
He spat the gall that welled from deep inside.
He shook his head to clear his smoke filled eyes,
And saw the Towers fall as thousands died,
His wings took up a measured, steady beat.
He climbed then circled, looking down once more,
He viewed again the carnage in the street,
Then, comprehending, pondered thoughts of War.
He sought a place untouched by fear and dread,
And landed near a river. There, alone
The Eagle resolutely bowed his head,
Then honed his fearsome talons on a stone.
--Don Lehr, September ‘01
(All Rights Reserved)
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I'll Do It, Tomorrow
Thanks for your patience, everybody. I'm sorry about the two-week delay between posts. The worst cold I've ever had slowed me down a bit. I've recovered, but this was the Grandaddy of colds. To make matters worse, my Darlin' Darlene caught it from me. There was a time or two that I'm certain that my condition would have had to improve in order for me to expire. I just didn't have enough energy to die at the moment, so quite typically, I told my Darlin' Dar, "I'll do it tomorrow." Since she was sicker than I was, she was probably hoping that I'd just get on with it, but if I'd just shut up, tomorrow was fine with her.
I've never had a problem with procrastination. It's always come quite easily for me. For example, I just finished a Stained Glass project that I started longer ago than I care to tell; my Cattails & Dragonflies. The photo doesn't show it well, but at least it's evidence. The Snowman and the Madonna are further evidence of procrastination being overcome.
Actually, the concept of procrastination has served me quite well in the past. For many years, I made my living selling boats. I recall one particularly difficult couple, with whom I'd been working for well over a year. They weren't getting any younger, although they were both still very healthy and active. They had settled on a fine 42 foot Motor Yacht, but for the better part of the Spring, they had been coming into the Marina at least twice a week, unable to make the decision to buy. Finally, I decided it was time for the "now or never". I looked them both in the eye and said, "I don't mean to be disrespectful at all, but I have noticed a little grey around your temples. How much longer do you think you have before going boating turns into wishing that you'd gone boating ?" The gentleman turned to his wife and said, "The man's right. It's time." They sure enjoyed that boat.
One other event resulted in the creation of what I called "My Procrastination Close." It was a situation very much like the couple with the 42 foot Motor Yacht. This couple was not nearly as friendly, having succeeded in getting under my skin a number of times by making numerous negative comments about salesmen. If you've ever been a salesman, then you'll know what I mean when I say that I had come to the "Buy or Die" point. We had gone around and around on the final price of a very expensive sailboat. In total exasperation, I wrote down my last offer, turned the sales proposal around and said, "That's it, but only if you accept it right now." The lady just had to take one more crack at me though. She, said, very haughtily, " What is it about you salesmen ? Why do we have to buy it today?" Without blinking an eye, I said, "Ma'am, it's because I've never sold anything tomorrow." They enjoyed their boat too.
I've also had some requests from a few people with obviously poor taste, to post some of my, what I laughingly call, poetry. So, in order to quiet the clamor, I'll do that later this week.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
I've never had a problem with procrastination. It's always come quite easily for me. For example, I just finished a Stained Glass project that I started longer ago than I care to tell; my Cattails & Dragonflies. The photo doesn't show it well, but at least it's evidence. The Snowman and the Madonna are further evidence of procrastination being overcome.
Actually, the concept of procrastination has served me quite well in the past. For many years, I made my living selling boats. I recall one particularly difficult couple, with whom I'd been working for well over a year. They weren't getting any younger, although they were both still very healthy and active. They had settled on a fine 42 foot Motor Yacht, but for the better part of the Spring, they had been coming into the Marina at least twice a week, unable to make the decision to buy. Finally, I decided it was time for the "now or never". I looked them both in the eye and said, "I don't mean to be disrespectful at all, but I have noticed a little grey around your temples. How much longer do you think you have before going boating turns into wishing that you'd gone boating ?" The gentleman turned to his wife and said, "The man's right. It's time." They sure enjoyed that boat.
One other event resulted in the creation of what I called "My Procrastination Close." It was a situation very much like the couple with the 42 foot Motor Yacht. This couple was not nearly as friendly, having succeeded in getting under my skin a number of times by making numerous negative comments about salesmen. If you've ever been a salesman, then you'll know what I mean when I say that I had come to the "Buy or Die" point. We had gone around and around on the final price of a very expensive sailboat. In total exasperation, I wrote down my last offer, turned the sales proposal around and said, "That's it, but only if you accept it right now." The lady just had to take one more crack at me though. She, said, very haughtily, " What is it about you salesmen ? Why do we have to buy it today?" Without blinking an eye, I said, "Ma'am, it's because I've never sold anything tomorrow." They enjoyed their boat too.
I've also had some requests from a few people with obviously poor taste, to post some of my, what I laughingly call, poetry. So, in order to quiet the clamor, I'll do that later this week.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
'Tis the Season
The first snowfall of the year has found us here at Saddlebrook Farms. That's as it should be in November in West Michigan. Hallowe'en, the opening act of the wonderful Holiday Season has come and gone. It's the season for memories to be savored and memories to be made.
Ah yes, the memories, the laughter and the over indulging. I trust you'll indulge me as I share a few memories, in the hope that they'll jog a few favorite ones of your own.
Hallowe'en always creates memories, but since I'm not certain as to what the Statute of Limitations might be, I'll refrain from those of younger days that might require 5th Amendment protection.
My daughter, Samantha, managed to stretch a wonderful memory all the way from Hallowe'en to Christmas. She was a 3 year-old with a fertile imagination, and she decided, without prompting from her siblings or her parents, that she was to be a Witch for Hallowe'en. She was a charming little Witch, and played her role with such aptitude that, considering subsequent events, I'm still not convinced that she's not an actual Witch, albeit a good one.
On Christmas morning, no one can be as excited as a 3 year-old, and that was certainly true of Samantha. She fairly tore through the wrapping paper surrounding her gifts, until she came upon one that held her spellbound. Her eyes opened widely and her mouth dropped open as she beheld, what I thought was just a toy broom and dustpan. She grabbed the broom and came running across the room towards me crying, " Look, look Daddy! A flying thing!" Now, if that ain't a Witch, you go me one better.
My Darlin' Darlene and I are soon to celebrate our twentieth year of memory making together. She's the joy of my life, and normally is extremely sensible. But as near as I can determine, our longevity can only be attributed to a lapse in good judgement that she continues to make, year after year, for which I'll be eternally grateful. Gratitude is what Thanksgiving is all about.
Thanksgiving is Dar's favorite Holiday, and no wonder. She's danged good at it. I call her The Queen of the Side Dishes, and there's always one or two that I didn't even realize were on the table. What she can do with Mushrooms is a joy to behold, which, if you happen to be sitting on the wrong side of Son Scott and Daughter-In-Law Suzie, is all you're likely to do. Behold, that is. They count them and then ration them out, between themselves, and leave only as many for the rest of us as good breeding dictates. And, what Dar does with the Turkey is a thing of familial legend. My only contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner involves her fabulous stuffing. She puts the giblets in it. I'm not into giblets. My job is to taste the raw mixture (with giblets) for proper seasoning; not my favorite task, but I didn't get this tank by being squeamish.
And then, there is Christmas, the crowning Holiday of the year. I know that in difficult economic times such as now, merchants everywhere are desperate to stretch the buying frenzy out as long as possible, but I really object to having Christmas displays appear before Hallowe'en. There are some radio stations that began playing non-stop Christmas music in October. I hope and pray that Christmas doesn't fall victim to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt. So, I'll save writing about the singularly wondrous event that is Christmas for another post.
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Ah yes, the memories, the laughter and the over indulging. I trust you'll indulge me as I share a few memories, in the hope that they'll jog a few favorite ones of your own.
Hallowe'en always creates memories, but since I'm not certain as to what the Statute of Limitations might be, I'll refrain from those of younger days that might require 5th Amendment protection.
My daughter, Samantha, managed to stretch a wonderful memory all the way from Hallowe'en to Christmas. She was a 3 year-old with a fertile imagination, and she decided, without prompting from her siblings or her parents, that she was to be a Witch for Hallowe'en. She was a charming little Witch, and played her role with such aptitude that, considering subsequent events, I'm still not convinced that she's not an actual Witch, albeit a good one.On Christmas morning, no one can be as excited as a 3 year-old, and that was certainly true of Samantha. She fairly tore through the wrapping paper surrounding her gifts, until she came upon one that held her spellbound. Her eyes opened widely and her mouth dropped open as she beheld, what I thought was just a toy broom and dustpan. She grabbed the broom and came running across the room towards me crying, " Look, look Daddy! A flying thing!" Now, if that ain't a Witch, you go me one better.
My Darlin' Darlene and I are soon to celebrate our twentieth year of memory making together. She's the joy of my life, and normally is extremely sensible. But as near as I can determine, our longevity can only be attributed to a lapse in good judgement that she continues to make, year after year, for which I'll be eternally grateful. Gratitude is what Thanksgiving is all about.
Thanksgiving is Dar's favorite Holiday, and no wonder. She's danged good at it. I call her The Queen of the Side Dishes, and there's always one or two that I didn't even realize were on the table. What she can do with Mushrooms is a joy to behold, which, if you happen to be sitting on the wrong side of Son Scott and Daughter-In-Law Suzie, is all you're likely to do. Behold, that is. They count them and then ration them out, between themselves, and leave only as many for the rest of us as good breeding dictates. And, what Dar does with the Turkey is a thing of familial legend. My only contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner involves her fabulous stuffing. She puts the giblets in it. I'm not into giblets. My job is to taste the raw mixture (with giblets) for proper seasoning; not my favorite task, but I didn't get this tank by being squeamish.
One of Dar's favorite Thanksgiving memories was B.D. (Before Don). She was a new bride and it was to be her first Thanksgiving dinner, with her folks and her In-Laws in attendance. She had worried it all together, and was confident that it was going to be a great success. Upon tasting the stuffing, one of the mothers inquired as to whether she had included the giblets. Dar replied that she hadn't, because the giblets hadn't come with the turkey. As dinner progressed, and more of the stuffing was removed, the Mystery of the Missing Giblets was solved. They were nicely cooked, along with the bag, inside the bird. Memories are made of this.
And then, there is Christmas, the crowning Holiday of the year. I know that in difficult economic times such as now, merchants everywhere are desperate to stretch the buying frenzy out as long as possible, but I really object to having Christmas displays appear before Hallowe'en. There are some radio stations that began playing non-stop Christmas music in October. I hope and pray that Christmas doesn't fall victim to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt. So, I'll save writing about the singularly wondrous event that is Christmas for another post.I hope you all have a grand Thanksgiving, giblets and all.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there!
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
You Take the Plane, I'll Take the Train
Senior "Snow Birds" will no doubt be delighted with the recent news that Allegiant Airlines is adding Grand Rapids to it's flight schedule. Allegiant is a "budget" airline, and for a short time, they'll be offering one-way flights to Orlando for $89.00, raising to $109.00 later on. That will make it much more affordable for those "Snow Birds" who head South in the early Autumn, and wish to return North for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas et cetera. That would not be the case for yours truly.
I am not what you would term a "Comfy Flyer". If I were ever to become a "Snow Bird", it wouldn't be because I flew South, although, in a pinch, I do get on the crazy things. My Dad never flew. He loved to watch planes take off and land, but said many times, "I know it appears that they take off, fly around and land, but I'm still convinced that they can't do it." That from a man whose youngest son was a career Air Force man.
My Darlin' Darlene is a "Comfy Flyer". So, whenever it's been absolutely necessary that we fly somewhere, she has a field day with my fear factor. Her comedienne side takes over bigtime; no mercy.
I didn't always hate it. I came by my distaste for flying quite honestly. As a younger man, I was Sales Manager for a company that had Dealers from Denver to Presque Isle, Maine, and I flew regularly. On one of those trips, I had a connection from St. Louis to Indianapolis. The aircraft was a British something or other with two tail-mounted engines. Just after takeoff, immediately after the landing gear retracted, the starboard engine blew up, rocking the plane violently. The craft began wallowing side to side, until the pilot, bless his heart, manged to get it under control, and announced calmly, bless his soul, that we would be returning immediately to the airport. I would have preferred him to say that we would be returning in a short while, since I was already thinking that if the other engine went, we'd be returning somewhere immediately, airport or no airport. As we landed, it was comforting, but not much, to see Firetrucks and all sorts of emergency vehicles racing alongside us on the runway.
Inside the airport, insanely, we all queued up at the counter to re-book our flights, since our previous one hadn't gone anywhere. One fellow begged to be allowed to go to the head of the line, as it was imperative that he get on the very next available flight. Most of us were not really in that much of a hurry to board another airplane, so we agreed. He very excitedly explained his situation to the agent, who quickly complied, and asked, "Smoking section?" (Remember ?), to which the man replied, "Yes, and drinking too!"
Another experience that contributed to my lack of "Friendly Skies" enthusiasm happened in Miami. I was bound for Nassau for a Hobie Cat Sailboats convention, departing on Air Florida, but the airplane had mechanical problems, and the flight was scrubbed. We were told that our tickets would be honored by Bahamas Air. In retrospect, I'm convinced that the only time Air Bahamas actually has paying passengers is when real airlines' flights are scrubbed.
My confidence level, already sinking, hit a record low when I walked out on the tarmac, and saw the Bahamas Air flying machine. I'm still not convinced that it 
wasn't the first ever licensed, closed-cabin, passenger-carrying aircraft. But, as Shelley Berman once said, as he told about hearing a strange sound from an engine while he was on a plane, about to take off, "You don't know who to tell, and you wouldn't if you knew, because you'd rather die than make an ass of yourself."
wasn't the first ever licensed, closed-cabin, passenger-carrying aircraft. But, as Shelley Berman once said, as he told about hearing a strange sound from an engine while he was on a plane, about to take off, "You don't know who to tell, and you wouldn't if you knew, because you'd rather die than make an ass of yourself."I boarded. The fabric was peeling on the plane's interior, and many of the seats were actually repaired with duct tape. There were holes worn in the aisle carpeting. I found my seat and sat. 
Then, The Pilot boarded. I thought, " Omigod! It's Wiley Post re-incarnated, or maybe Charles Lindbergh's father." This man was far too old to be out of The Home, on his own. But, I said nothing. The Pilot closed the door to the cockpit, which promptly flew open again. He slammed it two or three times before it finally stayed shut. The real fear set in when The Pilot started the engines. Billows of black smoke poured from one engine, I don't recall if it was port or starboard, but, the smoke was so heavy and oily that it sank to the ground rather than rising into the air, as smoke is supposed to do. As the smoke sank, so my confidence level sank to a new, world-class low. The smoky engine sputtered and mis-fired, eventually smoothing out except with a fairly regular miss. I said nothing.
Then, The Pilot boarded. I thought, " Omigod! It's Wiley Post re-incarnated, or maybe Charles Lindbergh's father." This man was far too old to be out of The Home, on his own. But, I said nothing. The Pilot closed the door to the cockpit, which promptly flew open again. He slammed it two or three times before it finally stayed shut. The real fear set in when The Pilot started the engines. Billows of black smoke poured from one engine, I don't recall if it was port or starboard, but, the smoke was so heavy and oily that it sank to the ground rather than rising into the air, as smoke is supposed to do. As the smoke sank, so my confidence level sank to a new, world-class low. The smoky engine sputtered and mis-fired, eventually smoothing out except with a fairly regular miss. I said nothing.As we accelerated down the runway, the cockpit door jarred open again and Old Smoky missed steadily, causing the aircraft to jerk annoyingly, which it did all the way across the open water until we landed in Nassau. I was tempted to kiss the ground, but I didn't want to make an ass of myself.
Finally, while on a 747 flight from Paris to New York, about halfway across the Atlantic, our pilot announced that one of our four engines had quit running, but that the Boeing 747 was very capable of flying on less than it's allotted four. I don't recall if he said how many less than four, but I do recall that he said, "Have no fear". Easy for him to say. It did remind me, though, of a situation that I heard about, involving a Lufthansa 747, trans-Atlantic flight.
It seems that about a quarter way across the Atlantic, the Lufthansa 747 lost the use of an engine. True to form, the pilot made the announcement that there was no danger. Then, at about midway, the Point of No Return (Dontcha just love it?), the pilot announced that a second engine had failed, but not to fear. A short while later, the Head Steward's voice came over the address system, and in his best Deutsch-ish English said, " Ladies und Chentlemen! I'm afraid dat ve are haffink a serious problem vit bote of our remainink engines, und it vill be necessary for us to ditch in de Ocean. Please follow dese instructions carefully. Ve vould like all of de shvimmers to move to de port side, dats left, of de aircraft, und all of de non-shvimmers to move to de shtarboard side, dats right, of de aircraft. Move now please." The passengers did as they were instructed. The Steward continued, "Now, to de shvimmers. When de aircraft shtops movink in de wasser, de exit hatches vill open automatically. You are to exit de aircraft und shvim as qvickly as possible for about 100 meters, avay from de aircraft. Now, to de non-shvimmers. Ve vould like to take dis opportunity to tank you for flyink Lufthansa."
Wish My Darlin' Darlene and I were Snow Birds.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Dean's Still Singing !
Finally! The election's over and we can get back to a little normalcy. We can sit, relax and enjoy getting our brains fried again, watching meaningful TV like "Friends" reruns, rather than being glued to nightly political discussions on the various News stations, interrupted every 5 minutes or so by those mind numbing Political ads. That's as political as I'm ever likely to get here on Senior Speak.
Today's post was going to be about the approaching Holiday Season, but a couple things happened this morning that has steered me in a different direction. While driving back from a store up in Muskegon, an Oldie came on my radio; Dean Martin was singing "Memories Are Made of This". Then, when I sat down to write, I glanced at my last post and the picture of that '59 Oldsmobile caught my eye. I just had to switch gears. So, I hope you'll join me in enjoying a little walk down Memory Lane.
The late 40's and the 50's, when many of us were in our teens, are especially dear to me. Those were softer, gentler times. Time moved more slowly, it seemed. There was a sort of grace to our lifestyle. It was, by most counts, a more innocent time, possessing a certain naivete'. I'm hoping that some of the things I'm going to share with you now, will take you back for a few moments, and regenerate some of those old wonderful emotions.
Today's post was going to be about the approaching Holiday Season, but a couple things happened this morning that has steered me in a different direction. While driving back from a store up in Muskegon, an Oldie came on my radio; Dean Martin was singing "Memories Are Made of This". Then, when I sat down to write, I glanced at my last post and the picture of that '59 Oldsmobile caught my eye. I just had to switch gears. So, I hope you'll join me in enjoying a little walk down Memory Lane.
The late 40's and the 50's, when many of us were in our teens, are especially dear to me. Those were softer, gentler times. Time moved more slowly, it seemed. There was a sort of grace to our lifestyle. It was, by most counts, a more innocent time, possessing a certain naivete'. I'm hoping that some of the things I'm going to share with you now, will take you back for a few moments, and regenerate some of those old wonderful emotions.
Remember Flexible Flyers ? Remember "Belly-Floppin'"? You'd hold the sled in both hands, run a few steps and flop on your belly on top of the sled, and away you'd go, down the hill. Great fun, unless you hadn't cleaned the rust off the runners. In that case, you'd flop and stop and do a full face plant. You could get the same effect if you weren't careful to keep the tow rope curled up nicely on top of the sled, and it slid under the runners.Actually, the only kids that had Flexible Flyers were the ones
whose parents were a little better off than we were. The Flyers were the Cadillacs of the sled world, and you could steer them with the handle bars. The handle bars on our cheaper sleds didn't turn, so you had to steer by dragging your feet in the snow; drag your left foot for a left turn, and your right foot for a right turn. I can't tell you how many pairs of 4-Buckle Arctics I ruined steering my old sled. Steering with your feet wreaked havoc on the buckles. My Dad would tie the buckles back on with binder twine, until I was down to the last buckle, then he'd be forced to buy me another pair. I never thought to try and reason with him that if he'd just get me a Flexible Flyer, he'd probably save more than the difference in the price of the sled by not having to replace boots.
Those Pre-TV years were great. Kids spent a lot more time outdoors. Even after TV's were more commonplace, there still wasn't a lot of afternoon programming for kids, so we'd be out until supper. (When did supper change to dinner?) But, after supper, the old upright Zenith was king. The family would gather round to "watch" the Lone Ranger, The Green Hornet, Superman, Our Miss Brooks, Henry Aldrich, Fibber McGee and Molly, Baby Snooks, Beulah, Red Skelton and a host of other great shows, each one of us with our own images of the characters in our heads. Occasionally, if Dad wasn't paying close attention, we'd catch an episode of The Creaking Door and then be too scared to go to bed.But TV did happen, and so did Rock and Roll, and then, as we approached our teen years, the greatest invention of our lives was introduced: the 45 RPM record.
We convinced ourselves that we couldn't do homework without music. Every Saturday, the ritual was to grab the bus for downtown, and head for Grinnell's or Kresge's, to the record counters, and into the listening booths. We greased back our hair into Ducktails, or DA's (we weren't allowed to say the DA word), or stiffened our Flattops with Butch Wax, and the Top 40 Charts were 
our constant companions. We were never far from a radio or record player, and thank goodness, somebody had enough smarts to invent transistor radios. They became our constant companions. Wolfman Jack and Dick Bionde from WLS in Chicago were absolute necessities.Some genius found out that records could play at 33 1/3 RPM and came out with LP's, and another genius thought up Hi-Fi, and no gathering of three or four was ever complete unless somebody toted along their portable Hi-Fi. Of course, we had to have a mixture of both LP's and 45's, so another millionaire in the making dreamed up 45 RPM adapters, so we wouldn't wear ourselves out changing records after each 2 1/2 minute song. It's incredible that after all of those years of switching from Little
Richard to Perry Como, then on to Chuck Berry followed by Doris Day, that our ears weren't totally destroyed, and our minds scrambled. Well, at least my ears survived.
We managed to get through it all. I for one, wouldn't have missed it for anything. It's so enjoyable to take a moment, now and then, and let those yesterdays take over from the pressures and problems of the todays, and let the memories that Dean sang about consume us. But, just for a moment.
Remember these ?
Cushman Scooter
Lambretta Scooter
Top Hits of 1956
Memories Are Made of This Dean Martin
Band of Gold Don Cherry
Memories Are Made of This Gail Storm
Tutti Frutti Little Richard
See You Later Alligator Bill Haley and His Comets
Great Pretender The Platters
Why Do Fools Fall in Love Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers
Rock and Roll Waltz Kay Starr
Lisbon Antigua Nelson Riddle
Poor People of Paris Les Baxter
No, Not Much The Four Lads
I'll Be Home Pat Boone
Heartbreak Hotel Elvis Presley
Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom) Perry Como
A Tear Fell Teresa Brewer
Blue Suede Shoes Carl Perkins
(You've Got) The Magic Touch The Platters
Moonglow and Theme From Picnic Morris Stoloff
Moonglow and Theme From Picnic George Cates
Be Bop A Lula Gene Vincent
I Walk The Line Johnny Cash
The Wayward Wind Gogi Grant
Ivory Tower Cathy Carr
Standing on the Corner Four Lads
On the Street Where You Live Vic Damone
I'm in Love Again Fats Domino
Born to Be With You Chordettes
More Perry Como
I Almost Lost My Mind Pat Boone
I Want You, I Need You, I Love You Elvis Presley
My Prayer Platters
Don't Be Cruel/Hound Dog Elvis Presley
Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera) Doris Day
Allegheny Moon Patti Page
The Flying Saucer (Pts 1 & 2) Buchanan and Goodman
Honky Tonk (Parts 1 & 2) Bill Doggett
Tonight You Belong To Me Patience and Prudence
Canadian Sunset Hugo Winterhalter and Eddie Heywood
Friendly Persuasion (Thee I Love) Pat Boone
Just Walking in the Rain Johnnie Ray
Love Me Tender Elvis Presley
The Green Door Jim Lowe
True Love Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly
Singing the Blues Guy Mitchell
Long Tall Sally Little Richard
In the Still of the Night (I'll Remember) The Five Satins
Goodnight My Love Jesse Belvins (R&B)
Memories Are Made of This Dean Martin
Band of Gold Don Cherry
Memories Are Made of This Gail Storm
Tutti Frutti Little Richard
See You Later Alligator Bill Haley and His Comets
Great Pretender The Platters
Why Do Fools Fall in Love Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers
Rock and Roll Waltz Kay Starr
Lisbon Antigua Nelson Riddle
Poor People of Paris Les Baxter
No, Not Much The Four Lads
I'll Be Home Pat Boone
Heartbreak Hotel Elvis Presley
Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom) Perry Como
A Tear Fell Teresa Brewer
Blue Suede Shoes Carl Perkins
(You've Got) The Magic Touch The Platters
Moonglow and Theme From Picnic Morris Stoloff
Moonglow and Theme From Picnic George Cates
Be Bop A Lula Gene Vincent
I Walk The Line Johnny Cash
The Wayward Wind Gogi Grant
Ivory Tower Cathy Carr
Standing on the Corner Four Lads
On the Street Where You Live Vic Damone
I'm in Love Again Fats Domino
Born to Be With You Chordettes
More Perry Como
I Almost Lost My Mind Pat Boone
I Want You, I Need You, I Love You Elvis Presley
My Prayer Platters
Don't Be Cruel/Hound Dog Elvis Presley
Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera) Doris Day
Allegheny Moon Patti Page
The Flying Saucer (Pts 1 & 2) Buchanan and Goodman
Honky Tonk (Parts 1 & 2) Bill Doggett
Tonight You Belong To Me Patience and Prudence
Canadian Sunset Hugo Winterhalter and Eddie Heywood
Friendly Persuasion (Thee I Love) Pat Boone
Just Walking in the Rain Johnnie Ray
Love Me Tender Elvis Presley
The Green Door Jim Lowe
True Love Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly
Singing the Blues Guy Mitchell
Long Tall Sally Little Richard
In the Still of the Night (I'll Remember) The Five Satins
Goodnight My Love Jesse Belvins (R&B)
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !
Later,
Don Lehr
Later,
Don Lehr
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Nostalgia is Wasted on the Young
We Seniors have a lot of advantages over the younger crowd. Supposedly, we have a lot more disposable income. We get Senior Discounts. We don't have to apologize for working out with 25 pound weights on the Arm Curl machine; stuff like that. One thing we definitely have on them is years, lotsa years. And all those extra years mean that we have a lot more experiences; more things to remember. More nostalgia.
My Darlin' Darlene isn't real big into nostalgia. I think that's because I really am, and she gets a little weary of my rehashing. She calls it "living in the past". The way I see it, I have a lot more years back there than I have coming up, so I may as well enjoy them while I can.
I love nostalgia, and I know I'm not alone. Just this morning, while waiting in the check-out line, I noticed a display of Retro-Candy. There were Zagnuts, and Clark Bars, Teaberry and Black Jack Gum, and Nikl-Nips. Remember Nikl-Nips, those little wax bottles filled with syrupy liquid ? Well FYI, Nikl-Nips are now 89 cents. I get awfully nostalgic for nickle stuff.
I love to look at old cars, specifically cars of the 40's and 50's. I really like period movies that show a lot of old cars. My Darlin' Darlene puts up with me saying, "Wow, look at that '52 Hudson !" "Didja see that '49 Pontiac ? My Uncle Harold had one just like that, and ....." And on and on. There's lots of nostalgia in old cars.
Speaking of old cars reminds me of an incident that happened back in my college days, involving a beautiful Oldsmobile. It was on a Saturday afternoon in November, and I was at work at my part-time job at Muller's Shoes, when I got a phone call. It was from my buddy, Chas. He sounded absolutely distraught, "Lehr, you've gotta get over here right now ! You're never gonna believe this ! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me ! You've gotta come over to my Grandma's !" end of phone call. I had never heard Chas like this before, so I made my excuses to my boss and took off.Fully expecting the house to be on fire, or dead bodies in the kitchen or something just shy of World War Three, I arrived at Grandma's house and ran inside. Chas was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, white as the proverbial sheet. "Lehr, you're just not gonna believe it. What do you think is the worst thing that could possibly ever happen ?" I, dumbfounded for a moment, finally said, " I have no idea." "Look", said Chas, as he threw open the back door leading into the garage.
Now, Chas was living at his Grandma's house while she was spending the Winter in Florida. He had the place all to himself with no restrictions other than, no parties, no drinking, no girls, and above all, no driving of Grandma's Oldsmobile. Grandma informed him that she had jotted down the odometer mileage.
I stepped into the garage, expecting the worst, viewed the situation and was immediately engulfed in paroxysms (I love that word) of laughter. Chas was not impressed with my empathy.
Apparently, Chas had located Grandma's car keys, and had decided that he would take a spin, no doubt, to pick up some girl and bring her back for an evening of Cokes while watching "Sing Along With Mitch". No, that was on on Wednesday nights, but I digress.
Sitting, quite forlornly, was Grandma's Oldsmobile, minus the driver's door. That was funny enough to me, but what caused my uncontrollable laughter was not the missing door. Sitting on the door sill was a fireplace log that Chas had propped against the interior light switch so as not to run down the battery. That just killed me.
Another buddy, Fuzz showed up then, with forbidden Drewery's (that oughta take you back). Chas had given up on me for a moment and queried Fuzz, "Fuzz, what am I going to do?" Fuzz was no help either, as he was convulsed also, writhing in laughter on the floor of the living room, spilling Drewery's all over the carpet.
We finally gathered ourselves, and listened to the miscreant's tale. Chas had decided that the no driving rule was not applicable, at least occasionally. He figured that if he just undid the speedometer cable, no one would be the wiser. So, he had opened the driver's door, slid under the dash while dangling his legs outside of the car, and undid the cable. Here was Chas's great mistake, and there always is one when we connive to deceive. After successfully undoing the cable, he slid behind the wheel and turned to look over his shoulder while backing out of the garage, forgetting about the open driver's door. He soon remembered it. The garage wall snapped that door off slicker than whatever. Chas said that he caught hold of the top of the door, so it never even fell over onto the concrete. Whoop-de-do !
He again pleaded with us as to what he should do. Being a real genius in this kind of crisis, I suggested that if he would back the car out of the garage, we could take a few more of the fireplace logs, and stack them. Then we could take a couple of boards that Grandma had lying there, and make a ramp. Then if he gunned it back into the garage up the ramp, he could take off the roof and she'd have a three-door convertible. Having decided to imbibe along with Fuzz, at this moment we both hit the floor, re-convulsed with laughter, spilling Drewery's everywhere.
Chas did get Grandma's car fixed, although I don't believe she was ever informed of his transgression. I've often wondered, but have never asked, how he explained the two cigarette burns that Fuzz and I inflicted on her blonde dining table, during a forbidden party.
Nostalgia is a blessing, if for no other reason than it affords us an avenue for publicly purging the guilt for the sins of our youth. Geez, that Chas is a funny guy.
Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there.
Later,
Don Lehr (Michguy)
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