But It Ain't Dirty. It's Spring, Clean It.

Ode To Spring In Brooklyn
(The Brooklyn National Anthem) -- D. Lehr's version

Spring is sprung, Da grass is riz,
I wonder where da flowers is.

I see da boids, Dey's on da wing,
And dat's anudder sign a spring,

Boids on da wing? Now dats absoid,
I t'ought da wing was on da boid.

Yes ! Spring has come to Michigan too, but it's a bit early to get real excited. I've shoveled many a sidewalk full of Michigan Springtime.

Still, it's hard not to be a little excited that a pretty tough Winter will soon be just a memory. Baseball's Opening Days are upon us. Go Cards and Tigers ! The NCAA's March Madness is over, and a fine one it was. My Buddies (The Guys) and I gathered in Memphis for the South Region's Sweet Sixteen Championships. We've been to a lot of places, but I have to give Memphis the nod as one of the friendliest towns ever. With the games, the Gumbo, the Ribs and the Crawfish, it couldn't get much better. And with Spring comes that time-honored tradition of, Spring Cleaning.


A few days ago, My Darlin' Darlene says to me, she says, "Honey, it's time for Spring Cleaning, and I'm thinking that if we could both do a little, we could save the extra money that we would have to pay our cleaning man. Would you be willing to help?" I was aware that Spring Cleaning is cleaning that goes above and beyond the scope of just plain cleaning, and is an extra cost option, much like Floor Mats or Mud Guards. So, considering the current economic situation (Translation: Dumber than a post and naive as a new-born ), I said," You bet." She said, "Great. I'll make a To-do List and then we'll decide who's responsible for what."


The List was made (Torquemada made a list too. See Spanish Inquisition) and Dar , My Darlin' says, she says, "Honey, would it be okay with you if you were to be responsible for 1) Washing the blinds. 2) Washing the doors, and 3) Washing the baseboards ? I'll handle the rest of the inside stuff, and then you and I can do all of the other stuff together." What do I know ? I said, "Sure. Sounds fine to me. That should be a piece of cake."

There are 246 blind slats of varying lengths in our home. You cannot wash our kitchen, living room and dining room blinds without moving the ladder a minimum of twice each , and climbing up and down and up and down. The total length of those 246 slats is 14, 310 inches or 1,192.5 feet. Since I washed the top and the bottom of every one, that totals 2,385 feet or danged near a half mile. It's true! I counted 'em and I measured 'em and, as my Brother-In-Law Jim says, "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'." I won't mention how enamored I became with the strings that are such an integral part of blinds.

Now, here's the rub. I had long suspected this, and now I'm convinced. Much like the lyric in the song from "Camelot" that goes, "The rain may never fall till after sundown", dirt is not allowed in our house. Not wanting to wash the blinds with dirty water, I changed the water half way through my task. My wash water was as clear as water from a mountain spring. I took some dirt from the garage floor and put it on the last slat, so I could tell when I was done. Dar's cousin used to clean for us, and would often complain that she could never tell what she had cleaned and what she had not, since it was never dirty. I am here to testify that if cleanliness is, indeed, next to godliness, we are Heaven-bound !

That was yesterday.

Today, my chore was Door Washing. Somehow, it never occurred to me that doors need washing, especially clean ones (see paragraph above). I would have sworn that I washed 97 doors in our house, but I only had to do 92, since My Darlin' Dar did the 2 sets of French Doors and will do the Front Door also. 97 did seem a bit much, so I just did an actual count. Okay, I was off a little. There are 24, so I washed 19. But, they're each about 38 feet tall. Do you have any concept of how much bending and stretching and kneeling and getting back up again it takes to wash a door? Lots. My back and my legs... never mind.

For all of you gentlemen who have never participated in Spring Cleaning, but have left it up to your lady, I'm telling you now, women have got to be the strongest creatures, pound for pound, on earth. Never mind the ants, it's women. If women can do this Spring Cleaning thing year in and year out, without dying before they're 30, somebody needs to call Guinness. It sorta makes me wonder why Lizzie Borden felt she needed an axe. She could have offed the whole neighborhood with her bare hands.

My Darlin' Dar keeps telling me that one of the best things about making a list is the pleasure that you get from crossing off completed tasks. She's right. Crossing off Items 1 & 2 approached ecstasy, but she never told me how fleeting that pleasure can be. Speaking of lists, I've never rassled a gorilla before either, but I'm going to add that to my Bucket List, right near the bottom, just above "Spring Cleaning Again".

Tomorrow I get to do Item 3: Washing the Baseboards. My Darlin' Dar has given me a little more clarification as to what "Washing the Baseboards" entails. I get to move all of the furniture away from the baseboards, far enough so that I can vacuum all of that prohibited dirt that has snuck in under the furniture, then wash the baseboards and put the furniture back. That oughta be a little trip down Lollipop Lane. Five'll get ya Ten that I can get all of the dirt from the vacuum bag into an empty tea bag, assuming that I have enough strength left to empty the tea bag.

I'm standin' on The Gospel, here, if doing our own Spring Cleaning saves us one nickle less than $500.00, I'm gonna start saving for next Spring today. I might even give up a little of my "Soda Pop" money.

Have yourself a wonderful day, because it's a wonderful day out there !

Later,

Don Lehr (Michguy)